For December’s horrorscopes, we’re off to explore the most paradisal (and not-so-paradisal, because this is Horror Tree, after all!) afterlife locations for each zodiac sign. Happy holidays, and have a deliciously dark New Year!
Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not specifically representative of any particular person or people.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). While it may not (technically speaking) an afterlife paradise, resourceful Sagittarius will find a way to shapeshift and fly off to Lintukoto, a semi-mythical Finnish utopia for birds where they will be warm and safe forever and ever. As you enter into the New Year, imagine what sort of bird you’d become if your soul took flight, Sagittarius. It Tastes So Divine!: Customize your Finnish rice porridge with your favourite flavours (cinnamon, raisins, maple syrup, cardamom)—but don’t forget the lucky almond! http://gourmetpedia.net/recipes/finnish-rice-porridge/
Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Deep in the darkness of Romanian mythology lies a secretive school of equally dark magic. As both an eternal scholar and of the industrious sort, Capricorn won’t hesitate to throw off the mortal coil for the opportunity to work and learn in the underground sanctuary of the Solomonărie. With your afterlife work ethic, Capricorn, you’ll almost certainly be the Devil’s chosen one! But don’t forget that the adage “all work and no play” is something not even the darkest magic can overcome! It Tastes So Divine!: No holiday season would be complete without a traditional Romanian corn pie. As you have seven years of study ahead of you, you’ll have plenty of time to experiment with novel ingredients to enliven an ages-old recipe. https://www.chefspencil.com/40-romanian-christmas-dishes/
Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius will yearn to take up eternal residency in the District of Dreams mentioned in Greek mythology. Already a walker through multiple worlds and dimensions, they’ll be the sign that can most expertly navigate the wild images and dream personifications that inhabit this realm. Aquarius may even give the District’s deities a run for their fanciful money in the creation of new dream imagery and portentous messages. It Tastes So Divine!: While poppies and other herbs grow on the banks of the Lethe, and can be used to make an otherworldy drink, Aquarius doesn’t always relish complete forgetfulness, so they may opt to celebrate the New Year with a traditional Greek drink called Kykeonas, made from “barley, water and various aromatic plants” according to this webpage: https://www.greecehighdefinition.com/blog/2021/3/21/kykeonas-the-cocktail-that-the-ancient-greeks-drank.
Pisces (February 19—March 20). Without a doubt, Pisces will return to their aquatic roots, and the promise of eternal life spent within the splendor of the Dragon Palace Ryūgū-jō from Japanese mythology. Hopefully, Pisces, it’ll come with your own deep-sea dragon—either way, you’ll love the immersive undersea journeys that await you! It Tastes So Divine!: With the New Year fast approaching, Pisces, it’s time to get busy and make your osechi ryori for the upcoming festivities! https://www.tsunagujapan.com/a-guide-to-osechi-ryori-japan-s-traditional-new-year-food/
Aries (March 20—April 19). Aries will be drawn to the exciting warmth and activity contained within the realm of Musepelheim from Norse mythology—as long as they can get their own flaming sword to help guard this mythical home of the fire giants. Until then, Aries will just have to content themselves with lighting the end-of-year bonfires to drive away the winter darkness! It Tastes So Divine!: Can you make flaming pancakes or waffles? I’m not sure, but I know you’ll definitely try to come up with your own blazing approach to these traditional Swedish/Norwegian holiday treats, Aries. Maybe just infuse them with your alcoholic libation of choice or a selection of smoky herbs, teas, or cheeses to get your New Year’s party really smoking!
Taurus (April 20—May 20). The family-dedicated Taurus will move heaven and earth to reunite with their loved ones in the afterlife. There’s no doubt that the Taurian will emerge victorious during the Egyptian ritual where one’s heart is weighed against the feather of Maat, but that’s just the start of the trials they will have to face in order to join their friends and family in A’aru (the Field of Reeds) where they can experience domesticity in the most blissful Egyptian style. It Tastes So Divine!: As you’ve probably already started brewing your special beer recipe for the upcoming New Year, I’ll just say that both your home brew and your variety of holiday breads will win over hearts among the living as well as the dead.
Gemini (May 21—June 20). Never fear, Gemini—it might feel like you’re going to be missing out on all the fun once you end up in the afterlife, which is why I suggest you seek out ways to enter the for the Tír na nÓg of Irish mythology. There’s plenty of activities to chose from in natural island paradise—poetry, music, feasting, and chance to explore all the wonders of a world untouched by human development. It Tastes So Divine!: Chimerical Geminis may not have the patience or the attention span to make Irish favorites such as mince pies so they’ll resort to the perhaps stereotypical Irish foodstuffs—potatoes! Wrap them in foil, shove them in the oven, and set the timer so you don’t forget them while you’re flitting around doing twenty things at once!
Cancer (June 21—July 22). Whether they are a landlubber or have spent most of their lives on or near the sea, Cancer tends to be as unfathomable and mysterious as the ocean itself. Often swayed by the tides of emotion, this zodiac sign may also be quite moody and introspective as a result. Because of this, the Cancer will seek out an afterlife that gives them the opportunity to come out of their shell. And what better place to dance and make merry for all eternity than the sailor’s paradise Fiddler’s Green? It Tastes So Divine!: Much like their sailor brethren, Cancers may also have a tendency to be superstitious. So as not to tempt fate in the New Year, they’ll make a big batch of Southern-style black-eyed peas. For luck, of course!
Leo (July 23—August 22). Leos will pounce at the chance to spend the rest of their afterlife in the luxurious city of Amaravati as depicted in the Buddhist and Hindu religions. Amaravati is home to many of Hindu and Buddhist deities and is replete with lavish palaces and extensive gardens filled with every flower imaginable, making this sacred place truly something to die for. It Tastes So Divine!: Leos prize health and wellness both inside and outside, and as part of this quest to always look their best, they’ll embrace the vegetarian diet wholeheartedly. Their holiday spread will incorporate a selection of Indian recipes such as palak paneer and plenty of chai tea to go around. https://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/palak-paneer/
Virgo (August 23—September 22). Virgo strives to live as ethically as possible, dedicating themselves to their cause of choice, whether that be nonhuman animal rights, social activism, or a career in the healing arts or in social work. As tempting as an afterlife may be, what the industrious Virgo really wants is the opportunity to sleep undisturbed for, maybe, about a hundred years or so. To sleep, and dream, and then wake refreshed to enter into their worry-free afterlife. Virgos may even be tempted by the promise of cryostasis, and the hope that the world they awake into will be much more evolved. It Tastes So Divine!: While Virgos love a good meal, especially at the end of a long work day, they often wish eating was a more simple process. Especially in this day and age, with many foods not being very sustainable, or doused with pesticides; not to mention grown with the help of GMOs. For once, Virgo will be insistent on being served nectar and ambrosia immediately upon awakening from their lengthy sleep. The rest of us Virgos that haven’t crossed over will have to content ourselves with a tasty holiday version of the iconic Ambrosia Salad. https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/ambrosia-salad/
Libra (September 23—October 22). Diplomatic Libra can only hope they’ll end up an inhabitant of the land (Fositeland) and/or guest of the Norse god of justice, Forsite, at their hall called Glitnir. What better way to while away one’s eternal afterlife than as intern to Forsite, helping them mete out justice, right? This is Libra’s chance to exact divine retribution for all the unrighted wrongs they witnessed in their corporeal form It Tastes So Divine!: In order to keep your health in balance, Libra, you might take a page from the Viking/Norse diet which, according to my research, was surprisingly well-rounded and nutritious (Source: https://www.worldhistory.org/article/1311/norse-viking-diet/). Skyr, a type of yogurt that can be topped with things like fruit or nuts, seems like a fun, festive option to ring in the New Year. (See more recipes here: https://www.vikingwarriorshirts.com/blogs/news/10-delicious-authentic-viking-recipes).
Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios, you are always up for a challenge, and may eternally be seeking ways to test your mettle. Therefore, you might be tempted to sign up for the ultimate in afterlife challenges and enter into the arena of Xibalba as ruled over by the Maya deities. I’ve included the Wikipedia link here, so you have a general idea of what awaits you. I have no doubt you will emerge victorious, as you are the quintessential survivor, and, perhaps, you can join the ranks of the divine and revitalize the realm of the Maya underworld as one of its key rulers. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xibalba It Tastes So Divine!: You’re also equally up for the challenge of hosting a Maya-inspired feast, from breakfast all the way through dinner. Scorpios will get their start with one of my favourite dishes (Here’s hoping I can snag an invite!) scrambled eggs with plantains and black beans, and topped off with chile and a queso blanco. From there, of course, you’ll offer a selection of tamales to please both your vegetarian guests as well as your omnivores. (https://www.nationalgeographic.com/history/article/maya-foods)
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog, or check out her other services here: https://kirsten-lee-barger.mailchimpsites.com/.
